Chapter 17 - And Then There Were None|
Take care to sell your horse before he dies. The art of life is passing losses on.
Robert Frost (1874-1963
Nigel and Ian, our new bodyguards, had joined Giles on Monday. Somehow, they had gotten hold of postmortem photos of the thugs who attacked us, Giles said he was most impressed, as even as Becky I still had a cool head and survived another attack.
When we were alone, I asked him about the attack while I was with Kyle years ago. He told me that attack was in retribution for the attack that freed Tina. They were positive because the two men Kyle had killed were in the whorehouse when it was raided, but they had been unsuccessful finding the others. I asked if the attack last week was related. He said that he didn't know for sure, but it was possible as there were things about it that didn't ring true for an ordinary robbery and rape. He wouldn't, or couldn't, elaborate.
If Jennifer didn't require Giles, he would alternate Nigel and Ian in the limo with him to bring them up to speed. The other would follow in an unmarked car. Both were new to America and had a lot to learn, and Giles asked us to help with streets, customs, and such.
Giles assured us they would be both loyal and competent, to that end he put on a demonstration of close combat that was nothing short of spectacular. We were given some insight into their weapons and tactics as well. The second car was used as it provided more options in the event of attack, all were armed with pistols and knives, and there was a sniper rifle in the chase car. They were all licensed as private investigators and had permits to carry their weapons. We were given code words and instructed in what to do during various emergencies.
On Tuesday, Jennifer had gone back to France, after assuring herself our protection was in place.
By Friday, the worst of Tina's and all of my bruises were gone.
There was no school this week because of the Easter holiday, and I spent time studying. With all my outside activities, my class load was challenging, but my grades were excellent, and I was enjoying every minute.
I was internalizing Tina's past, and she was getting used to the fact I knew
- and the fact that it didn't diminish my opinion of her, in fact it drew me closer to her. The gentle way we loved each other enabled us to continue love making, even as battered and bruised as she was - in fact she found my attentions most welcome and reassuring. I continued my daily exercise and Tina was well enough to rejoin me on Thursday, in short, it was an idyllic lazy week for us.
I had moved our appointment with Sandra to three as we were going to dinner and a New York show with Sam and Paul, Marsha Wright's (from my Russian class) older brothers. Tina and I were looking forward to it as neither of us had seen a live play before. Our security was most convenient, as it all but ruled out hanky panky on the part of the boys we dated, and that off the table I found that I looked forward to boys' company and the attention they paid us. I also found I liked looking good for them, and in all honesty I was becoming a shameless tease - something Tina found most amusing.
In short, Tina and I had no idea what was to befall me at Sandra's hands.
We went directly into the examination room a half-hour after my blood was taken as usual and Sandra was waiting, which was unusual. She had a serious look on her face as she looked up from a lab report and asked me to undress. Tina sensed the tension in Sandra and hovered close to me as I undressed. My testicles were up in my body when I removed my thong, and Sandra popped them out as I stood in front of her, she spent quite a bit of time looking at them.
"Becky, I have some potentially bad news for you, mind you we aren't certain yet. Do you feel comfortable talking about very personal things with Tina in the room?"
"We have no secrets from each other. Please be candid."
"Your testicles seem to be developing a serious problem, and I want you to stay overnight while we run some tests."
"Damn, how serious?"
"I can't tell right now, but it could be life threatening if left untreated - If its what I suspect hours could count."
"We were going to New York to see "The Phantom of the Opera" on Broadway tonight. What if we come back first thing in the morning?"
"I'd rather not wait, weigh one show against a lifetime of shows."
"Well if you put it that way, I don't have anything with me to wear for the night though."
She laughed, "Don't worry, for one night a clinic gown will do."
Sandra pressed a button on her cell phone and Nurse June came in. She handed June my chart and said, "Becky will be staying the night with us, please get her settled into her room. Tina while Becky is getting settled in, perhaps you would like to cancel your arrangements for tonight."
When Tina returned I was in bed having received a shot from June. She hadn't lost her touch; I didn't even feel it. It wasn't long before I was falling asleep. My last recollection was Sandra telling Tina to leave me now, and come back tomorrow afternoon about three.
I didn't know the conversation between the four doctors then, but I know all about it now.
Sandra: "She is in deep sleep, perhaps you would care to examine her now?"
#2: "Yes Sandra, by all means."
Sandra: "She has requested a completely pain free procedure."
#4: "That will be no problem, have you secured all the necessary clearances and legal forms?"
Sandra: "There all here if you would like to review them."
#4: After reviewing each page in detail. "Whenever a minor is involved, it pays to be very careful, do you have her medical record?"
Sandra: "It's all here."
#4: "Very healthy, but you were challenging her with very high levels of estrogen among other hormones."
Sandra: "Puberty is imminent, and she didn't want to turn out like me." Sandra was smiling bleakly, "I wanted to give her about six months under my close observation to insure this was the course she truly desired. The psychological people agree with me, this is a proper course of action. Their report is attached to the medical record."
#3: "I noticed that, you recommend reconstructive surgery as well."
Sandra: "Yes and absolutely no nerve damage, that is why I requested your team for this procedure."
#2: "The penis is to be left fully functional?"
Sandra: "Yes with the additional work as noted in my statement of procedure, she is uncertain if a full reconstruction is desirable and wants to keep her options open. Conversely, the reconstruction tomorrow should allow for a problem free full reconstruction later.
#4: "Money is no object, judging by our fees?"
Sandra: "Correct, but perfect results are absolutely essential."
#2: "Just to double check, she is fully aware of the irreversibility of tomorrow's procedure and fully consents to it of her own free will. She has been explicitly advised of the details of the procedure, its consequences and risks, and she herself has fully and explicitly consented?"
Sandra: "Yes." It was the first outright lie of the briefing.
I was then given a full body MRI using the clinic's new multimillion-dollar GE machine. The surgeons began measuring and marking my body; they planned their work meticulously for over an hour and when finished retired to the clinic's guestrooms for a good night's rest.
At seven AM the procedure started and it lasted until five in the afternoon, after the operation #4 told Sandra perfect results were to be expected, but it was up to Sandra to keep the site free of opportunistic infection. The fee for the three-man surgical team was one and half one million dollars, plus expenses, they were the best money could buy.
Tina arrived at three as expected, and as planned, the clinic's staff psychiatrist intercepted her when she entered the waiting room.
"Tina, I'm Doctor Marshal may I have a word with you?"
"Sure, but is there something wrong with Becky?"
"Yes she ran into a serious complication, she is in no danger now, but I must tell you all about her condition."
They went into a warmly furnished office with several comfortable leather easy chairs. Dr. Marshal closed the door, and eschewing his desk sat next to Tina in one of the easy chairs, they were within two feet of each other. Unknown to Tina, the records of her earlier psychoanalysis were on his desk, the deck was stacked.
"We have been in constant conversation with Becky's mother via transatlantic telephone today, and she has candidly explained your spousal relationship with Becky. She will call and speak with you in a little while, but in a nutshell, she wants you to act in her place, make sure Becky's care is the best, and for you to comfort Becky emotionally when she wakes. Mrs. Hayes-Ravlon has been advised that Becky will be unconscious at least until Wednesday, mainly to insure Becky feels little or no pain from the procedure. Mrs. Hayes-Ravlon won't be returning until early Thursday morning as the business she is involved with is critically important, besides there is nothing she can do here that you can't, and she has every confidence in you."
Tina grabbed his arm saying, "What happened to Becky?"
"There is no easy way to say this, the doctors were forced to remove her gonads."
"Oh my god, only last week we were talking of raising a family after she completed college."
"That will still be possible, her semen has been saved and is in cryogenic storage, it would be a simple procedure to artificially impregnate you. In fact should she elect to undergo the full sex change in the future, it might be possible by using your eggs she could carry the baby to term herself."
"Is her penis is still intact?"
"Yes fully, it will be fully functional, there just won't be any sperm in the ejaculate, the ejaculate fluid will be clear."
"That's a relief. What's the downside?"
"Very little I imagine, given her current lifestyle. She does live full time as a girl, doesn't she?"
"Yes, day and night."
"Is she happy in that role?"
"Yes, I believe so. We both are, as strange as that seems, but candidly we both enjoy her penis."
"In that case I believe the potential is there for even fuller enjoyment. We had two choices after the gonads were removed. First we could have inserted silicon sacks, very similar to breast implants. In that case, outwardly her testicles would have looked unchanged. The second choice, the one Mrs. Hayes-Ravlon elected, was to use the sack tissue, and salvaged nerves to form some of the external sex organs of a woman. As with the first choice the appearance is superficial, but with proper conditioning they can be made to give sensations much like your outer lips give you.
While Becky is unconscious, I would like to explore your roles together in order to help you help Becky when she awakes. Can you spend several hours each day with my assistants and I?"
"Yes, anything if it will help Becky."
***I was kind of half-awake for some time, Becky visited and we talked, as she was leaving she told me, 'I am enjoying our life together, it is really satisfying to do so well in school for a change, its really fun going out too. You must not fret about your loss, they aren't all that important to you anymore - it will all work out for the best. Tina will help you over any rough spots.' She leaned over and kissed me, I was puzzling about the strange sensation the kiss triggered, and she left through the portal before I thought to ask what 'they' were.***
Then I saw Tina leaning over me and came out of my fog, "Hi sleepyhead, you just set a family sleep record." She commented with a smile.
I tried to sit up and kiss her, but I got very dizzy and lay back down immediately. "Hey, give me a kiss, I'm so dizzy I can't sit up.
She did - a long luscious kiss, and then said, "How do you feel, any pain at all?"
"No, but dickey feels funny, what on it, in it? Say how did I get in my nightgown, I went to sleep in a ugly hospital thing."
"First question, you have a catheter in dickey, its held in by a rubber like thingee, and it drains your urine. Didn't you notice the IV in your arm?"
"No, not until you mentioned it."
"About your gown, I thought you would feel nicer in your own, rather then the clinic's. I have some makeup here for you too; I thought that would perk you up. You do prefer it on, don't you?"
"Sure, thank you, please."
Tina gave me a toothbrush and paste, I brushed then she started to apply my makeup saying, "You have been doing your own for so long, I hope you don't come out looking like a clown." I didn't move and enjoyed her attention; Tina has such a nice touch. After a few minutes she said, "Good, now let me do your nails, they have grown quite a bit."
I looked at my nails and there was a good eighth inch unpainted at the cuticles, "Darn, how long have I been out?"
"About five days, you had emergency surgery." Tina began taking the polish off my nails; she had a small portable manicure kit with her too.
"Christ, what for?"
I didn't like it when Tina hesitated, and a look of worry passed briefly over her eyes. When she took a deep breath, I really got worried.
"Your gonads reacted violently to the estrogen and had to be removed."
"Did I hear you right, they had to castrate me?"
Tina looked like she would cry, "Yes. Yes but Becky, it makes no difference to me, I still love you and we can still have children and make love to each other. The doctors and therapists who have been working with me say our love making can even be better."
"Christ that will take some getting used to, you used to love playing with them, hiding them for me. Not only that but without testosterone will my penis work right, I mean long term."
"The doctors say yes it will, unless you develop an emotional block. Physically with appropriate hormone therapy there is no reason dickey won't continue to function as well or better then ever."
She matter of factly continued with my nails, but there were tears at the corners of her eyes.
"Tina are you sure you can love me without my balls?"
She couldn't help it and laughed, saying after a few moments, "Absolutely certain, I will love you forever no matter what." She smiled again, "Besides a man's balls are not his most attractive feature. Becky I've known about this since Saturday and have had a chance to think it through. It should make no difference to us, unless it destroys you emotionally in some unnecessary way."
I thought about that awhile as she trimmed my cuticles, and then started applying the base coat.
"Look I'm days from being sixteen and I have no choice but to live the rest of my life this way, you are eighteen and I will certainly understand if you want a complete man."
"Darling, don't be silly, what I love about you is your mind and gentle nature, not your balls. Of course your butt is very sexy too and your developing the cutest little tits, but its definitely the inner you I adore."
"I don't hurt at all, I read castration hurt like the devil."
"The way the doctor explained it to me was that they used a very sophisticated procedure, and fortunately a skilled surgical team was available. It took nine hours to do the surgery on Saturday. Rather than cut the nerves or damage them they carefully separated them from the gonads, reformed the outer skin and other tissue, over the separated nerves, and closed it up. They even destroyed hair follicles where you likely didn't want them. All the nerves are all alive and working, they just have been relocated. After the operation, they used some new stuff to quickly regenerate the skin over the incisions and stitches. I've seen the result this morning and it looks just like my pussy from the outside, I'm told it will produce sensations for you like mine does for me, if that is true you are in for a real treat. There is no deep vagina, but they explained that could be added later."
"That must look strange. I mean with Dickey and all."
She laughed, "I like it. You look like my equipment down there, with a real big clit above it. I think we will really enjoy it as it is now. We will find out soon, they say I have to help you train it to give you pleasure. In the process we will cure one my biggest remaining hang ups, and I know you are going to like that."
Tina finished my nails, took off her dress and shoes, and in her slip got into bed with me and we cuddled. She must have spent a lot of sleepless nights, as she was soon asleep, amazingly after all the sleep I had, I soon followed.
When I woke, I could tell by the sun it was early morning. Tina was still nestled next to me and Jennifer was sleeping in an easy chair pulled close to the bed. I moved my arm slightly and she woke, she had been holding my hand. We smiled at each other sleepily, "I really have to stop going to France, terrible things happen every time I do."
"I guess I was the one, of 'one in fifty" fame, to lose his gonads. Remember Sandra warned us about that possibility on our first visit."
"Not much consolation. How do you feel?"
"There is no physical pain. Tina has seen the result of the surgery and says she can live with it, she even thinks we will like it that way after a short while. I don't know about that. I do know I'm almost sixteen, and that I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life, especially as I intend to live it as a girl. That's a good thing, as my voice hasn't changed and I'd be ridiculed now dressed as a man."
"Becky, you are a wonder. You have strength beyond my belief, just recover your health now."
Almost on cue, Sandra walked in. "You look good very nice, how do you feel?"
*Like a pissed off bastard, give me back my fucking balls you incompetent quack.* But I said, "Very good, thank you."
"I want to get you up and about, Tina (who had awakened when Sandra first spoke) and Jennifer, would you give Becky a hand."
It took a few minutes waiting for the dizziness to subside, but I was finally on my feet. Sandra said, "Very good, lay back down and I'll take the tubes out of you and change your pad if necessary."
After all that work, I lay back down. Sandra removed the IV in my arm and took down my panties. The catheter stung a little as it was removed; I noticed I was wearing a sanitary napkin.
"Are you ready to see the results of the surgery, or would you rather wait?"
My first inclination was to wait, at least peek when I was alone. But the two closest people I had in the world were with me, one had brought me up from a days old infant and the other was my lover - no secrets there, and besides I was curious, "Yes, let me see what you have done."
It looked strange as there was no hair at all down there, I could see my penis, and it looked normal, but there were a few little bandages around the base. I said, "Besides being hairless everything looks the same from my prospective up here."
Sandra picked up a makeup mirror and I opened my legs and took a real good look. Tina's description was accurate; it did look a lot like her pussy from the outside, and was located pretty much where hers was. I reached down and yes, it did look and feel like the two lips were formed, I probed a bit, and there was no pee hole, deep vagina, or clit, just a resilient fold of skin. There was sensation when I touched it; the sensation was not unpleasant, but confusing. It didn't feel like what my eyes were seeing.
I didn't realize it, but I had been holding my breath, I took another with an audible sigh. "I will get use to it, I don't have to get a period too, do I?
"No, and as any girl will tell you, thank God for that. The pad was just a convenient protection while you slept." Sandra was looking closely at my faux pussy with a loop and probe, "The wound looks fully healed and you won't need a pad again, but I wouldn't put a lot of strain on it for the next two weeks or so. Why don't you try to go to the bathroom, there is a little fecal matter on the pad."
I turned beet red and ran into the bathroom, Sandra followed, "Slow down! Don't be embarrassed dear - here use these handy wipes when you are through." Dickey was sore at the base, and seemed very lazy hanging almost straight down; at the time, it meant nothing to me, just passing strange. I tuned back in to Sandra, "...contain a special antiseptic/antibacterial that you should use down there for the next week or so to prevent infection, then put on your robe and we'll go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat."
I stayed one more night at the clinic; Tina and Jennifer are convinced my visits from Becky are a combination of wishful thinking and my subconscious supplying answers while I sleep. I believe otherwise, hell, I know otherwise.
***Becky visited me early Friday morning and for some time we spoke of trivial but reassuring things, before she left she projected an image into my mind of a thick file folder on Sandra's large desk; the folder had my name on it. Becky just kissed me and left through the portal without mentioning the folder.***
Tina was sleeping with me and I disengaged from her embrace without waking her. Getting up I put on a negligee and slippers, and went directly to Sandra's office.
I entered quietly and sat at her desk, only then did I notice the light snoring coming from the couch, as I watched, Sandra moved in a fitful sleep. Becky didn't show me this file without a reason, so I started to read it. I went through it cover to cover, skimming the technical reports, but clearly getting the gist of my treatment from hours before I first visited the clinic to the present. I put everything back where I found it, and debated kicking Sandra in the teeth, but I decided to keep the knowledge to myself, and left Sandra's office with my innocence and trust in Jennifer badly damaged.
Back in my room, I took a tube of toothpaste from the bath, squirted some making the letter 'T' on the bed board, and then snuggling up to Tina fell back to sleep.
Friday morning the 'T' was there and I knew I hadn't dreamed the whole thing, after Sandra checked me we dressed and Giles drove us home. Dotty called after school and her mom dropped her off with my school assignments, Dotty stayed for dinner, and Giles brought her home about eight. The story was that my kidneys had developed a sudden, serious, and debilitating infection. It was bound to be misunderstood.
Chapter 18 - School and Other Activities A school is not a factory. Its raison d'Ítre is to provide opportunity for experience.
J. L. Carr (b. 1912)
My first day back to school was the Monday after I returned home from Sandra's Clinic - light a body part or two. A few of the girls, obviously not my friends, spread the rumor I had an abortion and not a kidney infection I claimed. Tina and I thought that my being pregnant was very funny, all things considered - at least nobody suggested the fact I was castrated and given a faux pussy. On Tuesday when Ms. Welch invited me into the office to talk about squelching the rumor, I couldn't help laughing.
When I stopped I said, "I'm very sorry, but that story is so ridiculous - I had a very painful infection, not a baby. Even the nuns taught me the difference between a stone and a baby." She laughed at that, and I continued, "Say, mother wanted to invite you and your significant other over for dinner anyway, maybe sooner will be better then later, what would be a good day for you?"
"Thursday would be fine for us. You've met Billy, and with Billy, you get Billy - even on her best behavior. Are you sure your mother won't be offended?"
"Trust me, Jennifer is unflappable. She runs a very profitable hundred billion dollar international conglomerate and is one shrewd woman. I will check if she will be in town Thursday, and let you know tomorrow."
"There is still the matter of the rumor. What do you want done about it."
"It doesn't bother me in the least, let them have their fun. The rumor will die a natural death quickly enough. In my old school, I would be burned at the stake at the very suggestion, but here? I don't understand why anyone started it, like who would give a good rats butt, even if it were true. Most of the girls who know me well think that it's nonsense anyway." I paused, opened my purse and then grinned saying, "I can't believe that Sarah Winton, she is telling everybody, 'Well, nobody has seen her wear pads the past two months, that proves she must be pregnant." I aped Sarah's phony British accent, and elaborate hand motions then continued, "Duh, what planet is she from? Obviously, one without tampons - these aren't Cuban cigars. Don't waste your time thinking about it, I don't."
When Ms. Welch stopped laughing she said, "Ok with me, it's probably the best way to handle it anyhow. Let me know about Thursday please, I've been dying to visit your home."
Thursday turned out to be fine for Jennifer, and Ms. Catherine Welch and Billy Querns came for dinner. Billy is a very masculine female and her actions matched her appearance, even though she was on her very best behavior - or else. I could see why Ms. Welch was concerned, but of course, Jennifer didn't bat an eye.
Tina and I wore our long red cashmere dresses and our diamond engagement rings with platinum wedding bands on the correct finger. Jennifer sat at the head of the table, Tina and I sat on her right, and Catherine and Billy (we all were on first name basis in our home) were together to her right. Tina and I did not attempt to hide our affection for one another, and Catherine got the message we intended to project.
Over cordials (Soda for Tina and I) in the preacher's parlor, Jennifer remarked, "Catherine, Becky has brought to my attention the school has no real athletic facilities. In this day and age, it's as important for girls to be physically fit as it is for boys. It doesn't affect Becky adversely, as we all regularly use the facilities here. However, I have been thinking of funding athletic facilities at your school, and I would like them to be dedicated in Nicola's name, if that's agreeable with you."
It was, and they discussed details with Jennifer to arrange for an architect as the next step. It was something Jennifer had long planned to do in any event.
When they left, I reminded Jennifer that her room was still way overdue for a face-lift, and would she mind if I arranged the remodeling for her. "Oh, and while we were at it, our room could use some work. For instance, I would like to make a sitting/computer room out of Nicholas's old room, and connect it to ours - plus a few other things that need doing."
She replied with a knowing smile, "Yes that's a great idea, why don't you network my computer to yours while you're at it. I expect we will be sharing much work soon. Will you make all the arrangements with the tradesmen?"
"Sure, it will be fun. Tina is has been planning pastel color schemes, it will brighten up our lives."
At school Friday morning, Ms. Welch called me in to her office and said, "You are the foxy one Becky Marie Hayes-Ravlon. Did those rings mean what they implied?"
"Well, they were more symbolic that real, of course we aren't actually married. However, you can see why Tina and I were so amused by the rumor I might be pregnant, we are very faithful to each other. Trust me, the boys we date are strictly for decoration, not for sexual play. After college Tina might choose to be pregnant, my brother Nicholas's seed is in cryogenic storage, but after all that effort, we sure as hell won't seek an abortion. I'm sure you understand our desire for a private relationship, at least for the next few years,"
"My lips are sealed, was that the price of the gym?"
"Absolutely not, if you check the deeds for the new property you will see it was purchased shortly after Nicola's death. That was long before Tina and I became an item. Jennifer was going to do something for the school in any event, she wanted a suitable useful memorial for Nicola, and Nicola loved this school. By the way, I do too. Tina and I are usually very discreet, that was just our way of letting you know you had a friends."
And now so did we.
We were far too wealthy to totally escape the attention of the press, but the publicist Jennifer hired did an excellent job of managing the stories, and by and large, we were able to ignore it. Fortunately, the Hayes household's women were believed to be boring copy scandal wise, and we didn't receive in depth scrutiny. The fluff pieces that were published were largely flattering and appeared in the business, home, and society sections of the papers - and not the tabloids.
For example, on Friday we got to see 'Phantom of the Opera," and had dinner at 'Windows on the World' 1,300 feet above street level in the World Trade Center building in lower Manhattan. The night was to be our treat, making amends to Sam and Paul for missing our date, and causing them to miss the show two weeks previously.
Tina and I dressed to the nines in new evening gowns sent to us by the Hayes' 'Evening Lady' division for the occasion. The were made of a new organza fabric that reflected rainbows of light, like sunlight from oiled bath water, it gave the impression we were nude and clothed in a almost transparent black hologram. Jennifer loaned us some fine diamond jewelry, tiaras, chandler earrings, matching diamond tennis bracelets, and matching velvet and diamond chokers. The boys wore black tux, and looked most elegant.
Our publicist tipped the New York Times fashion magazine, and they had a photographer and feature writer cover our evening. The resulting story was to be included in an upcoming series, "Beautiful People At Play in Manhattan." They photographed us entering the restaurant, at dinner, in our limo from dinner to the theater, and in our box at the theater. After the show, we were brought back stage, met with the cast, and more pictures were taken.
On the way home, the boys looked for a piece of us - they received a quick kiss good night, but their parents were delighted with the Times piece! The color photos in the spread were gorgeous; the boys were as photogenic as Tina and I. While the feature writer interviewed us after dinner in the limo, the story was almost word for word from our publicist's background sheet Jennifer had approved.
***The night of the play Becky visited; it was the first time since I discovered Jennifer's duplicity that night in the clinic.
"Why, Becky why did she do this to me?"
"She was afraid you would grow into the monster she believes Uncle Mike was."
"I'm me, Nicholas and I have Tina. I don't want to have anyone else. Especially not a child, that is perverted - I hope he is roasting in hell for what he did to Tina."
"I don't know about hell, but he sure isn't up here with us. I know it's hard for you now, but your loss is the price of Jennifer's trust. If you were a whole man she would always suspect you of going the way of Uncle Mike."
"But in doing this she has lost my trust, at the very least she should have secured my consent."
"Would you have given it to her?"
"I don't know for sure. , I guess if she made a compelling case, I probably would have, but in any case she should have asked. Trust is a two way street."
"What are you going to do? Are you going to confront Jennifer?"
"Not for now, I am going to prepare myself to take my rightful place - nothing will give me back what she took. Confrontation now will only rekindle her suspicious of my motives and the male me. I will be the model daughter you would have been, and learn how to use the power she controls to the very best of my ability."
"I agree, and for what its worth - I believe she does love you."
"That's great, I hate to think of what I'd have lost if she only liked me."
"She loved Uncle Mike and his weakness was something Jennifer never suspected. It hurt her very deeply when she found out how weak and depraved he was. She doesn't fully trust any men after that - it's corroding her future."
Our conversation lasted for what seemed to be hours. Our pleasant intimate discussion cooled my anger and I felt at peace with myself - for now.
Becky smiled and waved as she disappeared into the portal.***
Our Wednesday evenings were spent in the ballroom dance class with Mike and Paul (a different Paul than the one who escorted us to the theater.) In addition to conventional dances, Tina and I were getting very good at Jitterbugging to a big band's forties renaissance, the current rage. Mike was a shy and gentle guy, but he was very strong and could really throw me around, it was a blast. Paul was not as athletic, but Tina and he looked smooth and graceful doing the same steps.
After one very vigorous dance set Mike kissed me, I was a little winded and flushed before the kiss. What started as a friendly kiss became something else entirely. I felt warm and wonderful in his arms, a extension of his body, I wanted to be part of his body, and I returned his kiss with a passion I reserved for Tina. He told me afterwards that I looked so desirable he couldn't resist steeling a kiss, and looked shaken after we disengaged. That was the first time I felt like a woman in the arms of a man, it was very disquieting in retrospect.
A few minutes later in the ladies' room, Tina asked me, "What was that all about?"
"He kissed me."
"I could see that."
"I don't know it caught me by surprise, and I couldn't help returning his kiss. I don't know what came over me, I felt like I wanted to be part of him. He seemed so strong, I wanted to yield to him and let him take control of me. Not my mind, it was something on a very physical level."
"I know that feeling well, its called lust for a man, and it's what women feel when we are about to yield to a man. Frankly, with all the hormones Sandra gives you I'm surprised you haven't felt it before."
"Maybe the hormones are more effective now that I don't have my gonads. Christ, look at me. I'm far from your exceptional beauty, but for one detail, I look like a woman. Up to now, I never really felt what a woman truly feels - Tina I don't want to be a woman inside, I want to be a man and I only want to love you."
"You do, and I don't want that to change, but you have to recognize you have a strong female side and that it can exert a powerful influence on you. It's real and you will have to learn to control it, just as you control you male behavior. Don't worry, it really isn't bad - and we can use it to make our love stronger."
She kissed me, and it too became something more. I felt like myself as we rejoined the boys.
There were a half dozen other boys we went out with now and then, and we both were mastering the techniques of controlling their baser instincts, while still enjoying their company and they ours. In one way, I had an advantage over Tina in that I liked sports and was knowledgeable, providing neutral non-threatening conversational icebreakers. I didn't know or care what they did for sexual release, but it was well understood by all that is wouldn't be with us.
I joked with Tina that we were accessorizing men, very much as we added jewelry prior to an evening out - which was not far from the truth. Even Jennifer was going out occasionally, the two men she chose in rotation to take her to various social functions, Robert, and Jason, turned out to be closet gays, very safe, very polite, very attentive, very much to my relief. Jennifer was taking a page from our book we joked.
Chapter 19 - A Different Perspective Oh Doris Lessing, my dear-your Anna is wrong about orgasms. They are no proof of love-any more than that other Anna's fall under the wheels of that Russian train was a proof of love. It's all female shenanigans, cultural mishegoss, conditioning, brainwashing, male mythologizing. What does a woman want? She wants what she has been told she ought to want. Anna Wulf wants orgasm, Anna Karenina, death. Orgasm is no proof of anything. Orgasm is proof of orgasm. Someday every woman will have orgasms-like every family has color TV-and we can all get on with the real business of life.
Erica Jong (b. 1942)
We waited until the third Sunday after the surgery to begin training Puss,
(an abbreviated pussy,) as we nicknamed it. Tina said it was best if I didn't think rationally about the process ahead of time, and to just follow her lead. The woman who instructed her was a sex therapist employed by the clinic, and acting as a surrogate she been successful in several cases similar to mine. Tina was quite firm, she would learn how to do the therapy from the surrogate, and take the responsibility of training me. I teased her about her possessiveness, but was actually very pleased.
We started making love as usual for us, but when we moved to sixty-nine Tina ignored Dickey and concentrated on Puss. After doing nice things to wake it up, she asked me to imagine she was penetrating it with her tongue exactly as I did pussy. In fact, she whispered in my ear, "Becky please concentrate on your feelings, for now let me do for you. This is not really a game, concentrate on being penetrated, imagine you are being penetrated, ask to be penetrated as the need grows."
Then she resumed with Puss - kissing and nipping its lips just as I would hers; it was very pleasant but she was rapidly getting far rougher then I ever got. Finally, I almost screamed as I felt as if my nonexistent balls were pinched and squeezed very hard.
Tina turned around and whispered in my ear, "I just took your cherry, and now I'm going to make you feel so good, my cock will go all the way up your new Puss, tell me you want it, beg me for it. You are a nice girl Becky, but you really need my cock now, tell me. I did, I pulled her body to me demanding, begging that she penetrate me.
"Spread your legs wide and lift up your knees, while I stick my cock into you. Get ready, the first inch it's the hardest for a virgin." Tina was between my legs, which were now spread apart in the missionary position, the cool air on a moist Puss only increased my desire. Then Tina was lying between my legs as a man would, Dickey was hard as a rock from the attention Puss had received, but I concentrated my attention on Puss, waiting to receive Tina's cock.
Suddenly Pussy enveloped Dickey for the very first time ever, just Dickey's head. "Isn't that nice to have my cock in you?" She asked. My senses exploded, as I knew that I was in Tina for the very first time, but I suppressed rational thought and imagined she was in me, saying almost involuntarily, "Oh, yes Tina. Give me more; please much more I need you. Now, oh God don't stop now."
As she moved her legs up she lowered herself onto me, I really felt as if she was fucking me, in my new Puss, my new Puss was tingling. She penetrated me fully and reached back pushing into my Puss with something. The illusion was that she was buried to the hilt into me.
Tina stayed 'buried in me' her hips virtually unmoving, while she manipulated an oval ball into my Puss. I felt sensations of pain from my old testicles, which somehow my brain started to interpret as the full feeling, satisfying sensations of being deeply penetrated. Tina's constant mantra reinforced the feeling. After quite a while, she withdrew. Naturally, I wanted her to put it in me again, but she said, "Please wait lover, I don't want to cum in your new Puss just yet.
She gave me a bath, and applied a new lotion, which made my entire skin super sensitive, all the while teasing and asking if I was ready to be fucked again. Soon, we went through the same process again, only as she applied more pressure to Puss, my mind interrupted the sensations less like a pain in my balls, and more like I imagined the warm full feeling of penetration. Then she penetrated me again. Manipulated Puss, and still asked me not to cum, I didn't, but my whole body was in overload.
After a while we both took a shower and did it all again, by the forth iteration there was no doubt in my mind I was being penetrated, but this time I was powerfully fucked, deeply and satisfying with long full strokes, until we both achieved monster orgasms.
After two weeks of this or variations each night, all the sensations my body was reporting when she would fuck me was that it was I being penetrated, my Puss was becoming exquisitely sensitive, especially enjoying sixty-nine as foreplay. After two weeks Tina said, "You know what has happened. Don't you?"
"I think so, but I suspect this conditioning, patterning I think is the proper term, wouldn't have worked if we had normal intercourse prior to now, or at least not anywhere near as quickly."
"Yes, I suspect your right. What else happened?"
"The other side of the equation - well, please don't be offended. I think it's totally non-threatening for you to penetrate me while you remain in control, rather then the reverse. We love each other and this is the ultimate physical intimacy, through the reversal of roles, you are able to see it as the gift we are giving each other. The fact that I really feel that way must be a real turn-on for you - at least I hope so."
"Pretty close, however my lover, now I don't have any trouble accepting, hell desiring penetration from you. Anyway we think of it, that doesn't matter, I want you inside of me." She giggled, "If you could fuck me all the time, it wouldn't be too much - it's just that fine. Scratch one of my hang-ups."
"Gladly, but for now this is wonderful, let's do it this way." When time was right, I planned to take her - I was looking forward to that, I thought the surprise would really turn her on. Now.
"I like it too, and thank you. You are the first person I ever lovingly, willingly, knowingly joined with, it is so wonderfully different, everything before you was an unpleasant violation of my body and soul. Thank you for making me experience physical love - and I do mean LOVE!" And she kissed me, that kiss was so fine.
I learned to play tennis all over again as a girl, ride sidesaddle for a lark in an antique equestrian dress, (as well as with a normal saddle, Puss did make a pleasant difference,) acquired a taste for golf, exercised in our gym, and swam. All were relatively safe sports to minimize the possibility of being rushed to the hospital with an injury - and the resulting potential for unmasking.
Prior to high school graduation, Jennifer hired half dozen well-connected educational experts to plan my higher education. Harvard, Stamford, Yale, or Radcliff were considered, but ruled out because of security concerns, but the real reason was that Jennifer wanted to keep us close to her. We decided I would be enrolled in one college and two universities simultaneously. Steven's Institute for scientific and engineering courses, New York University for business, and Columbia for languages and government. All were chosen as they were excellent schools and in easy commuting range of home. A very large amount of grant money was funneled to each, and we certainly received prompt and considerate attention to our unprecedented requests.
I insisted Tina take courses with me, coinciding with mine in time, but not necessarily in content. I knew Tina was intelligent, but with her SAT results, in the high-fifteen-hundreds, now so did everyone else. She was the most surprised of all. So, with few exceptions we enjoyed being together most days. What started out as a selfish demand on my part, quite literally was crucial in the years to come, but of course, at the time, we had no idea.
However, our real education was the hours we spent with Jennifer, at her request we were largely quiet in meetings, asking an occasional question, but saving our comments for the ladies room, limo and home. Jennifer gave the impression we were along solely to provide company for her, and we acted spoiled and bored at times to further the image. The ruse was necessary, as she didn't want to expose us to serious attacks before we were fully prepared. The plan worked, not only did we learn from Jennifer, but we also had a chance to study our potential allies and adversaries from cover.
To reduce travel time Jennifer purchased a condo on Central Park West near Sixtieth Street overlooking the Park. We stayed there three or four nights a week, but we were always glad to return home to the Hayes Mansion at Nyack for the weekends.
We became accustomed to traveling by limo almost everywhere, a point driven home by an attempt on Jennifer's life shortly after I graduated high school.
Part I & II & III & IV & V